Broken
by wolvster
Summary: Logan is suffering from nightmares. He turns to Remy, Ororo and Jubilee for help. Part 17! Sorry for the long wait! Please review!
1. Part 1

Title: Broken 

Disclaimer: The X-men are not mine…

Review: Please! 

Note: I'm Dutch so my grammar probably sucks…

Note 2: ****** = Change of time or place

…….=Telepathic speech

_Italics _ = Thoughts

~……~ = Dreams

*……* = Emphasis

Note 3: No songfic for a change! You can read this as a sequel to Speak The Words Out Loud, but you can also read it as a stand-alone story. The first part is Logan's point of view, later in the story the point of view will change into Remy's.

(Note 4: I'm not sure where I'm going with 'Won't Cry'. So it might take a while before I'll post something for that story.) 

#######

****

I can't keep losing sleep over this,  
no, I can't  
And now I cannot stop pacing  
Give me a few hours   
and I'll have this all sorted out  
If my mind would just stop racing

'Cause I cannot stand still  
I can't be this unsturdy  
This cannot be happening

This is over my head  
but underneath my feet  
'Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat  
And everything will be back   
to the way that it was  
I wish that it was just that easy

'Cause I'm waiting for tonight  
Then waiting for tomorrow  
And I'm somewhere in between  
What is real and just a dream...  
What is real and just a dream...  
What is real and just a dream...

Would you catch me if I fall   
out of what I fell in  
Don't be surprised if I collapse   
down at your feet again  
I don't want to run away from this  
I know that I just don't need this

'Cause I cannot stand still  
I can't be this unsturdy  
This cannot be happening

'Cause I'm waiting for tonight  
Then waiting for tomorrow  
And I'm somewhere in between  
What is real and just a dream...  
What is real and just a dream...  
What is real and just a dream...  
What is real and just a dream...

- Lifehouse, Somewhere In Between-

~ Logan lay on a surgery table. He tried to find out where he was, but when he opened his eyes he was blinded by a sharp light above his head. _I know this…Oh God don't let it be true…_ He blinked a few times and when his eyes were finally adjusted to the light he took in his surroundings. He saw medical devices with tubes attached to his body. _No…not again…No!!_ He tried to move away from it, tried to escape, but his hands were tied to the table. Panic took over, he screamed for help but nobody heard him. Suddenly his mouth was covered by an oxygen-mask. _I don't want to, let me go!_ ~ 

He woke up and looked around breathing hard. After a few moments he let out a relieved sigh and shook his head. _Just another nightmare, nothing to worry about._ He rubbed some sore muscles in his neck and checked out his alarm-clock on the nightstand next to his bed. _Shit, only 4 a.m., might as well try to get back to sleep. _He lay down again and closed his eyes. But he couldn't get rid of the fearful images that remained from his nightmare, so after half an hour tossing and turning he decided that it was impossible to get back to sleep again. He turned on the light and put some clothes on. After he did that he walked quietly outside into the woods.

*******a few days later******* 

'Goodmorning Logan.' 

' Mornin' 'Ro.' Logan answered while he poured himself some coffee.

'You look tired have you slept well?'

'Oh I'm fine, I just went to bed a little late yesterday.' _Yeah, right, Bub…well hopefully she goes for that._

'I see. So do you have any plans for today?' 

' No, nothing special. Probably hanging around and irritate One-eye. How so?'

'Well, I was wondering if you would like to test the new Dangerroom scenario that Scott's made last week, with me?'

'Sure, darlin' how 'bout ten?'

'That will be excellent, Logan. Well if you will excuse me, I'll go change. See you at ten?'

'Yup, I'll be…' His sentence was cut off by a spunky teenager hanging around his neck.

'Wolvie!! You'll never guess what I'm going to do today!!

'Yeah, you too a goodmornin' Kiddo…can ya please stop yelling in my ear, I'm a mutant ya know!' _Cripes…the kid's a danger!_

'Oh sorry, I forgot.' she said before she went on at the same volume she had started.

'Gumbo is going to teach me how to pick locks! Isn't that cool!'

'Oh that's great…'

' Jeez.., very enthusiastic are we? No; I'm going to kill that Cajun! Or; What ?!?!? 

'OK, I'm going to kill that Cajun…that's okay?' He snapped. 

He brushed her off him and stomped out of the kitchen with his coffee. Jubilee looked at Storm who had stopped halfway across the kitchen and had watched the scene with wonder.

' What's wrong with him?'

'Well I was wondering the same, my dear child.'

'Oh, it's probably one of his 'cheery' moods.' Jubilee said with her usual sarcasm. 'Nevermind…see ya around, Stormy!' And she bounced out of the kitchen.

__

Whatever it was, he wasn't having it for ten minutes ago… With that thought Ororo went upstairs to get dressed for the Dangerroom session.

*********

Logan walked to the garden. On his way he ran into Scott, who was definitely the last person he wanted to see right now. Logan bumping into him surprised Scott, who was reading the headlines of the newspaper, he had just picked up by the door. 

'He Logan, watch were you're going ok? There are more people around here!' 

Logan growled and grabbed Scott by his neck and slammed him to the wall. 'Shut up One-eye!'

Scott, who didn't lose his calm demeanor, said: 'Let me go, Logan. Threatening people isn't the best way to get rid of your problems, you know. '

This only angered Logan more. 'I said shut up!' _Why the hell am I angry with him? It wasn't his fault I bumped into him…_

Realization hit him and he let go off Cyclops. After that he walked outside before Scott could say anything. He muttered a confused 'Thanks' and continued reading his newspaper.

********

In the garden Logan took the time to think things over. _First Jubes and then Scott…. What's wrong with me?_ _There wasn't any reason to be that angry… Better watch yourself Logan, can't take any risks with that many people around._

********

__

~Pain!!!! No I don't want to! Please let me go! Don't!!! Needles!! Tubes!! NO!!!! Why??No!~

********

Logan woke up sweaty and trembling. The claws of his left hand were stuck in the wall next to the bed, the others had torn his sheets. He let go a shaky breath and went to the bathroom. He turned on the shower and while waiting for the right temperature of the water, he looked in the mirror. There were bags under his eyes. _Great…just looking freakin' great, Bub…Hopefully healing factor takes care of that. After it has dealt with the insomnia of the last couple of weeks, of course…_

After the refreshing shower he noticed it was only three in the morning. Knowing he couldn't go back to sleep anyway, he decided for a walk through the mansion.

*******

When he walked past the professor's office he noticed light beneath the door. _Hmm, Chuck probably lost track of time…_

Logan can you please come in? The professors mind-voice said in his head.

Logan, startled by the sudden interruption of his thoughts, opened the door and entered the room.

'Please sit down Logan.'

' He Chuck what are ya doing up this late?'

'I woke up by your mental distress a while ago, I wanted to be sure you're alright.'

'Woke up? But how? Normally ya don't wake up when I'm having a nightmare.'

'Normally? Logan, are you telling me that you have these nightmares more often?'

'Yeah…well not as bad as this time… but how could I wake you?

'I'm not sure, but if it was worse than the other times I suspect that was the reason. Logan why didn't you tell anything? How long is this been going on?'

'I don't know, I kinda forgot. It's been going on for some weeks now…'

Charles Xavier knew that his most stubborn student wasn't telling everything, but he respected him and didn't push him to tell more than he wanted to.

'Alright, I understand it. But I want to know how you're doing, if it gets worse you'll come to me immediately. Understand?'

'Yeah…I will… '

Xavier nodded 'Just know that I only want to help, Logan.'

'I know. Thanks. See ya, Chuck.'

'Bye, Logan.'

And with that Logan left the room.

#######

I'd love to know what you think about it so far!


	2. Part 2

Note1: I got some good advice: get a beta-reader (thanks KB)…One problem, everyone I know is Dutch (no knowledge of proper English grammar) and doesn't like X-men (not popular in Holland). So I'll have to find someone here, on the internet…Volunteers? Mail me…  Note2: ****** = Change of time or place 

            …….=Telepathic speech

            _Italics    = Thoughts_

            ~……~ = Dreams

            *……* = Emphasis

*******

After breakfast Scott called the team together. Sabretooth was attacking a group of FOH members. Normally the X-men would have just let it happen, but this time there were innocent people in the same building. They had to get the two enemies out of each other's hair and save the others.

After Scott had told them the strategy, the X-men jumped in the Blackbird and flew to the scene. Once there they worked according the plan and everything went well till Logan went feral. The X-men knew he hated Sabretooth, but he would never endanger the team or other people. This time, however, he was dangerously close to a mother with her two children.

'Logan snap out of it!' Yelled Scott. 'Jean, can you calm him down with your telepathy?'

'I'm sorry Scott I tried but I can't break through his walls!' 

'Damn! Ok, Storm, Gambit, Angel and Rogue keep Sabretooth busy, while Jean, Beast and I try to calm Wolverine.'

Logan tried to get to Sabretooth but the mother and children still stood in his way. He growled and lashed at the woman. But just before he really slashed her, a blue, furry paw grabbed his wrist. This angered him even more and he tried to pull loose and succeeded. 

'Logan my friend, please calm down, I do not intend to harm you…' Hank pleaded.

All he got was another roar from Logan.

'Scott, I'm afraid this is not going to work! Shall I get a sedative?'

'I'm afraid we haven't got a choice Hank, go get it.'

While Hank ran to the Blackbird he saw Sabretooth was now unconscious and Storm and the others were helping the last people out of the building. He rummaged in his medical bag and took out a syringe with a sedative strong enough to knock out a horse.

When he returned, all the X-men were surrounding Logan and pleading him to get in control again.

'Alright my friends, if some one will be kind enough to lead his attention from me, I will be able to inject him.' 

Once Hank injected him, Logan growled one last time and fell on the ground.

*******

Logan groaned as he woke up.

_Where the hell am I? What happened?_

He opened his eyes and realized he was in the medlab. He tried to get up but he discovered he was tied to the bed.

_What the…?! Great…Well better wait for someone to release me._

He closed his eyes again, but after a few seconds he suddenly opened them again.

Oh shit! I went feral! Damn, hope the others are ok…Damn! I didn't want to lose control…Shit Logan you could've killed someone… Did I kill someone? Maybe that's why I'm fixed?

He heard footsteps approaching, the door opened and Hank followed by the professor came in.

'Hello my feral friend, did you sleep well?'

'Yeah…' Logan grunted, not looking up to them. 'Can you release me?'

'Of course we can Logan.' Hank released Logan and gave him room to sit up. Logan rubbed his wrists and looked down.

'Thanks. I'm sorry didn't want to lose control.' Logan said still not looking at them.

'Logan, we know that you didn't want to, but unfortunately it did happen and you seriously endangered innocent people.' 

'Hell, I know Chuck and I hate myself for it, ok? I couldn't help it!' Logan jumped out the bed angrily and stormed out of the medlab.

He met Jean in the hallway.

'Hello Logan, feeling better?'

'Fine.'

'Look, I know that you hate Sabretooth, but what you did back there was very irresponsible. Violence doesn't solve anything, quite the opposite, it makes things only worse. Like hurting an innocent mother and her children. I think you don't work hard enough on your self-control.'

'Sure, Jean…' _I'm already doing the best I can…_

*******

When he came in the rec-room the only people there were Warren and Rogue. Warren, who was bandaging his hand, just glared at him. 

Logan wanted to turn and go away, but Rogue saw him.

'Hey, look it's mister 'let's endanger the mission'! How you doing Sugah?' Rogue drawled with heavy sarcasm.

And this time Logan did turn around and went away.

 When he ran towards his room, he once more ran into Scott.

'Logan, you're just the person I was looking for! Why the hell did you do that back in that building? You could have killed someone! Are you nuts?!?!'  Scott glared at him.

'Yeah, well maybe I am! Get outta my way!'

'I'm not going "outta" your way! You're going to stay here and listen to me! If something like that happens once more, you're off duty until I say you're on duty again! Do you understand?'

'Yeah, understand. Can I go now!?!?'  And with that Logan changed direction and went to the garden.

*******

Why are they mad at me? It wasn't my fault. Sabretooth provoked me…I can't help it I have nightmares and insomnia…It wasn't my fault…I tried to beat it, to make it stop…I couldn't help it, it wasn't my fault…nightmares…lack of sleep…lack of self-control…it wasn't my fault…not my fault. They're always mad at me. Why? I can't help it. Can't they see I try so hard to control it? I try so hard…It's not fair…Does someone blame Rogue when she accidentally touches someone? And Cyclops when someone grabs his glasses away and he isn't fast enough to close his eyes? I try so hard… and still…why? And the nightmares, they only make it worse…like it's fun to have nightmares…they just don't understand…It wasn't my fault…why me, it's not fair…

He fought to keep the tears at bay. 

But as always his self-control was lousy, and a single tear rolled slowly down his face.

He didn't feel the rain that fell down from the gray clouds that covered the sky above him. He didn't feel the cold wind that made his clothes cling to his body. He didn't hear the footsteps approaching him.

#######

So what do you think????? Next chap…plenty of Gumbo….


	3. Part 3

Title: Broken 

Disclaimer: The X-men are not mine… 

Review:  Please! 

Note: I'm Dutch so my grammar probably sucks…

Note 2: ****** = Change of time or place 

            …….=Telepathic speech

            _Italics   _ = Thoughts

            ~……~ = Dreams

            *……* = Emphasis

######

Hey there! This is a slightly changed part three. Not much has changed, but I tried to make the personalities of Logan and Remy a bit more realistic than it was before… 

Gambit appeared from the shadows, he had been standing there for 15 minutes, without Logan noticing him. Normally he would have detected him within a few seconds, but this time Logan was oblivious to Remy's presence. And that was exactly what Remy was worried about. 

He walked up to Logan and asked cautiously; 'Mon ami, are y' alright? Logan?'

Logan stared blankly in the distance.

'Logan…you're scaring me…answer me please?'

Again Remy got no reaction. He realized he wouldn't get any when he stayed here outside. Without a second thought Remy pulled of his duster and draped it around Logan's shoulders, he waited for a reaction, but when he got none he put his arm around Logan and led him towards the boathouse. Logan let it all happen. Once they arrived at the boathouse Remy put Logan on the couch and talked to him.

'What were y' doing outside in y' T-shirt? Y' crazy, you're gonna be ill even with that healing factor of y'! Come on, big guy talk t' me…'

He pulled off Logan's wet shirt and put some blankets around him. _What in the world could have happened to him? _

Logan started to shiver and Remy wondered if that was a good or bad sign. _Maybe I should call Hank, he would know what to do. But on the other hand, it's maybe better if I first discover what upset him…_ He decided to do the latter and tried to warm his best friend up with some blankets.

After half an hour talking to Logan and trying to get him out of his trance he finally got a reaction. Logan, who had been staring in front of him, dropped his gaze and ashamed said; 'Thanks, Rem…'

'Hey, you're here again? _Merci Dieu…_'Feeling better?'

'Yeah, feeling better…just tired…' Logan answered quietly. 

'Y' can stay here an' get some rest, okay? I'll stay with y'.'

'Thanks, but I can go to the mansion, that's maybe better…'

Yeah, right, in this weather? No way, y' stay here and get some sleep. _Why does he want to the mansion? He has slept here before, after our drinking nights…why not now?_

Logan, too tired to argue, obeyed and lay down on the couch. He slept instantly and Remy put some of the blankets on top of him. Remy cleaned up the wet blankets and Logan's shirt and lay down on the other couch.

*******

It was only two in the morning when Remy woke abruptly from a peaceful sleep. It took a while to register what was happening and he realized suddenly that it was Logan who was trashing on the couch. His claws were extended and he looked frightened. _Merde! He has a nightmare! What am I supposed to do? Wake him up? Yes, I should wake him up before he hurts himself…_He stood next to Logan, carefully not letting Logan cut him with his claws. 

'Logan, wake up!' He yelled. But Logan didn't hear him. _Ok, if yelling doesn't help, I'll have to try something else… But how? He grabbed Logan's wrists and tried to stop him from moving, it was difficult but it seemed to help. Logan calmed down a bit._

'Come on, wake up. It's alright, I'm with y'. Calm down…' Remy coaxed Logan back to reality. After a few anxious moments Logan slowly opened his eyes and Remy let out a relieved sigh. 

'Merde, Logan. Y' had me scared for a while. Are y' alright? Logan?'

Logan looked at him with big, fearful eyes. 'Remy? What? I could've…I could've killed you…' He pushed Gambit away and stood trembling on the other end of the room. 

'Logan? Y' didn't hurt me. Everything is ok. Really. Come over here, please?' _Mon Dieu, I have to calm him down…_

'I hurt ya, I always hurt other people…I'm an animal…don't want to…no …I hurt ya…no…Remy…no…' Logan stared in the dark mumbling to himself.

Remy walked up to him. 'Logan, you're not an animal, y' know that, come on, let's sit down.' He reached out to touch him, but Logan pushed his hand away violently. 'No don't touch me! Stay away! Don't hurt me!!!' No, go away, go away, don't hurt me, go away, just go away!' Remy was confused, first Logan was afraid that Logan hurt *him* and a few seconds later it was the opposite.

'I'm not going Logan to hurt y', talk t' me, calm down! You're my best friend and I would never hurt y'! Calm down!' This calmed Logan down a bit. "Ok, that's it…calm down, let's sit on the couch.'

Remy guided Logan to the couch and he was relieved Logan cooperated. It's okay, y' are save, nobody is going hurt y', everything is fine…' He whispered soothingly. 

After a few minutes Logan's trembling subsided and he looked down ashamed.

'Hey, y' gonna tell me what's going on now?' Remy asked softly.  

'Nothing…thanks…' was Logan's soft answer, he felt like an idiot. 

'That didn't look like nothing, Logan' He got no reply.

'Merde, don't do this Logan, please, don't hurt yourself even worse. I'm your friend y' can trust me…' 

Logan took a deep breath. 'I can't talk about it Rem…'

'Of course y' can…Come on Logan tell me…I'll help y' deal with it, no matter what it is…'

'I just don't want to bother ya Remy, just let it be…I 'll get over it…'

'Non! Y' don' get over it if y' don' talk about it!'  _Man, he's stubborn…But I've got to let him open up about it, otherwise he'll never get it out of his system._

'Don' shut me out Logan! Tell me!' 

'I can't, ya don't understand! Nobody understands!

_Well at least that's something… ' _What Logan? What is it that I don' understand?'

'Nothing!'

*sigh* 'If y' don't explain I'll never be able to understand! Speak t' me Logan!'

'It's just…'

'Oui, go on?' _Come on, let it out_

'I'm tired and everything goes wrong.'

'Remy, still don' understand. Why y' tired?'

'Nightmares…' Logan quietly answered.

'Bout, the experiment? They're back?'

Logan nodded and looked up to Remy. 'Yeah, they're back…but it's different  somehow this time…worse….'

'I'm sorry, mon ami… I really am.' 

'Don't be sorry, it ain't yer fault…'

'Why didn't y' tell me? Y' could've talked t' me.'

'I didn't want to bother ya, ya have enough problems already with Rogue and all…'

'Y' could've talked t' me! Y' know I'm there for y'. Y' ve been there f' me so many times!'

'Sorry…'

'Okay, y' also said that everything goes wrong. What do 'y mean?'

'Like with yesterday…'

'The mission?'

'Yeah…I shouldn't have lost control there, with those people around.'

 'I know, but it did happen though. Any idea how? I mean y' tried t' control it, right?'

'Of course! Damn Remy don't say that, not you too…'

'Me too? What do y' mean, mon ami?'

'The others… they're mad, 'cause the think I didn't try hard 'nough.'

'All of them? I can't believe Stormy being mad at y' f' somethin' like losing control.'

'I dunno, the people I came across were…haven't seen 'Ro though.'

'Well the ones who were jez didn't think straight! So how did it happen?'

'I saw Creed and something snapped inside me, normally I…well I'm mad at him, but I never let go if there're others around. So I figured it has ta be the lack of sleep.'

'So the nightmares are the real problem here. What could've triggered their return?'

'I don't know…God knows what…'

'Mebbe we should ask the Prof.?'

'Yeah, right…. He's probably sick 'n tired of me and my problems. Besides he 's mad at me'

'He one of the people y' came across? What about 'Ro? She always helps me when somethin' 's wrong.'

'Ya think she can figure it out?'

'Well at least she can try, right?'

'Guess yer right…'Ro is pretty good at listening and helping people, maybe we should ask her…'

'Oui, we gonna solve this, mon ami! Together!' 


	4. Part 4

Ok, thanx for your reviews. I admit that Wolvie was too emotional about it, it was my meaning to let him break down, but I maybe overdid it….

The language I warned about is in this chapter.

Stormy's first appearance in the story. I don't know if I got her style right, so please tell me if I didn't. Your reviews really help me to develop this story, thanks!

#######

****Logan's POV****

Logan woke early that morning. He slowly pulled himself of the couch. He was hungry and decided to cook something for himself and his pal who was still knock out on the other couch. While he was getting the stuff he needed to bake an omelet he took the time to think about the events that happened last night. _I was so pathetic…Remy must think I'm some freakin' loser or something. Man there's really something wrong with my feelings…feelings? Are this my feelings? Am I just some whiny idiot? Hell, no! I'm sure it has ta do with those fuckin' nightmares. I have ta do something… I mean, Remy's an ok guy, but what happens if this thing happens when I'm in front of One-eye… If sees me like that, he'll laugh his head of…_ _I'll never survive that…_ He was determined to forget about what happened and even more determined to make sure Remy forgets about it.

****Remy's POV****

Remy woke up and stretched. He soon discovered that stretching was really dumb when you slept the whole night on a couch that's smaller than you. _Couch? Why am I laying on a couch?_ He opened his eyes slowly and blinked a few times. Slowly the events of yesterday came back in his mind. He looked over to the other couch and was surprised to see it was empty. _Huh? Where did he go? He didn't sneak out, did he?_ He sat up straight and noticed relieved the smell of baked eggs. He yawned and lazily rubbed his sore neck muscles then he stood up and walked to the small kitchen of the boathouse. He leaned against the doorframe and watched amused how Logan was wrestling with some kitchen tools to flip a wonderful smelling omelet over. Logan cursed when he burned his hand. 'Hey Logan, never figured you to be a cook.'

Mornin' Cajun. Yeah well I can make a few things, but I ain't very good at it. So ya have ta do it with this.' He pointed at the frying-pan in his hand.

Remy sat down at the table and checked out some things Logan placed on the table earlier. 'Wow, mon ami, fresh orange juice! And croissants! _Which I got myself, but hey it's the idea. _ What did I do t' deserve this majestic breakfast?'

Logan turned around and rolled his eyes. 'Well I figured I'd probably be sick from food-poisoning if you cooked, so I decided to cook myself to save my ass.'

'Ouch, that hurt!' Remy answered in mock insult. But he looked Logan in the eyes knowingly, but Logan looked away quickly. 

Logan turned around again and grabbed two plates out of a cupboard and placed them on the table. He turned of the gas and went to the table with the pan in his hand. 'Un omelet du fromage pour monsieur LeBeau.'

'Merci, monsieur Logan!'

Logan sat down on the opposite of Remy and they started to eat in silence. After he was finished eating, Remy leaned back in the chair and released a satisfied sigh. 'That was real good mon ami, y' should cook more often. What time is it?' He looked at the clock. '11 a.m.! What the…why didn' y' wake me? I mean not that I mind but I'm sure Cyke thinks different about that.'

'Well, I kept ya awake long time last night so I decided ya needed some more time ta rest.'

'Thanks Smartass, but I'm supposed t' have a dangerroom session this mornin'. I bet he calls any moment.'

Logan grinned. 'Yeah I bet he does.'

'Oh well I probably wouldn't go anyway just t' see how Fearless explodes.'

Logan snickered. 'Yeah, it's always fun to see him yelling at ya for not showing up.'

'So, if we don't go to Scotty anyway, we might as well go to Stormy.' He glanced at Logan curiously.

'I don't know, maybe we shouldn't bother her with it.' Logan winced inwardly, there went his plan.

'Merde Logan! We agreed on this!' 

'But she's got probably more important things on her mind.'

'She don'. Besides it's pretty important, non?'

'Can't we just forget this, I was acting fucking pathetic! Like I'm some kind of little girl or somethin'!'

'No y' gonna work it out! Let your macho attitude out of it this time! If y' don't gonna solve this y're a even worse loser.'

'Yeah. Well. Guess you're right.' Logan answered reluctantly.

'Okay, now that's settled, I first gonna take a shower an' get dressed, while *you* clean the mess!' With that Remy smirked at Logan and ran to the bathroom.

Logan was only able to growl before he the door closed. The sound of Remy laughing and the water turned on, made Logan smile and he went to do the dishes.

*******

'So were's 'Ro at this time of the day?'

'Probably in her greenhouse or in the garden.'

'Ya sure she won't mind?'

'Jeez homme, y' start getting annoying, y' know! Like I said she likes to help people, so stop worrying 'bout it!'

They walked towards the greenhouse and Logan sniffed the air. Remy looked questioningly at him.

'What? Why bother searching for her if I can sniff her out?'

'She's inside?'

Logan nodded and opened the door of the greenhouse. He peeked inside and soon spotted Ororo who was watering some plants. He stepped inside and Remy followed soon after him.

Ororo wasn't facing them so Logan called her.

'Hey 'Ro how're ya doing?'

Ororo turned around to face them and smiled at the sight of the two of them.

'Hello, my dear friends. I'm fine Logan, thank you.'

'Hey, Stormy, y' got some time?'

'For friends always. What can I do for you?'

Logan didn't say anything and looked away from her. Remy who caught Logan's doubts decided to address the point for him.

'Logan here has some problems an' we wondered if y' could help him.'

Ororo, who hadn't missed Logan's sudden retreat neither, walked up to him and put her hand on his shoulder. 'What's wrong my dear friend, please tell me.'

Logan looked up to her and started to make excuses. 'It's not that important. I'll get over it. Ya better don't waste any time with this.'

But Ororo had seen the look of worry in Remy's eyes and the tired look in Logan's. She realized it was very serious. She stood her ground and decided to help Logan no matter what.

'Don't shut us out Logan. I want to help you and I am sure Remy wants that too.'

'I know…But…'

'No 'buts' my friend. Let us sit down and talk about this.' She guided them outside into the garden where a bench stood. They sat down and Logan put his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Ororo put again a comforting hand on his shoulder. Remy pulled a pack of cigarettes and a lighter out of his pockets and lit a cigarette.

'Well, Logan? Are you going to tell me what's wrong?'

'Nightmares.' Ororo sensed that was not the only thing that was bothering him.

'Go on…'

Logan sighed. 'Nightmares, so lack of sleep. That's probably why my self-control is slippin' more often. And thus is the entire X-crew mad at me.'

'What are the nightmares about?'

'Weapon X. But different…it's like they affect me worse…they're stronger somehow. ' 

'I thought Charles had helped you deal with them.'

'Yeah, but they're back and I have no freakin' idea why. So that why we're here. We hoped you could help me…'

'I will try.'

'Dere's more…' Remy said carefully. Logan winced slightly.

Ororo looked at Remy curiously and concerned. 'What do you mean, my brother?'

'He broke down yesterday…'

'It's nothing, it was just a little too much at the moment.' Logan quickly interrupted.

'It wasn' nothin' mon ami. Y' know that!' Logan sighed.

This only peeked Ororo's concern even more. Logan obviously didn't want to talk about it so she looked questioningly at Remy. 'What happened, Remy?'

'I saw him outside yesterday in the rain. He didn' even notice m', so after I had been standing dere for 'bout fifteen minutes I started t' get worried. I walked up t' him, but he was like in a trance or something, I tried t' shake him out of it, but it didn' work. I took him to the boathouse an' warmed him up. When we were sleeping he had 'nother nightmare and he totally freaked out on me.'

Logan leaned back in the bench and ran a hand trough his hair while smiling wryly. 'Okay it wasn't nothing, but it was only because of these flamin' nightmares…'

She could see he was very ashamed of the fact that *he* the Wolverine, the toughest X-men did something like breaking down and show his feelings. 'Logan, I think Remy is right, it seems very serious to me. Have you talked to Charles about this?' Logan rolled his eyes and snorted. 

'Chuck was pretty disappointed in me yesterday, he probably won't speak ta me anytime soon'. Can't blame him though, I mean he's working with me for ages to learn me how ta control myself. And here I go screwing his freakin' therapy. I just wish I could control myself just one fuckin' time so he could see *some* progress. It must be damn frustrating ta see yer, call it patient, going feral all the fuckin' time.' Logan had stand up and walked agitated back and forth. 'Logan I do not believe he will not help you if you ask him…' 

'I don't wanna ask him! He has done 'nough for me already, it's time ta pay him back for that, but instead of doin' that I'm a threat to the team, the family. Look the way I acted ta Jubes yesterday mornin', the kid was just happy ta see me and I suddenly was angry with her for no fuckin' reason! This shit gotta stop 'Ro, before I hurt somebody…bad.' He sat down again and put his head in his hands. 

'We will do everything in our power to help you my dear friend. Remy?'

'Oui, mon ami, we gonna stop this!'

'Thanks guys, but I have no clue how ta stop it…I've meditated, blow steam of in the dangerroom, tried those Japanese herb tea's which are supposed ta calm ya down and I even tried ta get drunk so I could sleep better. None of it worked. I don't know what else ta try. '

'Logan, you said you have no idea what returned these nightmares, maybe you should try to recall what happened in the past few months, people and objects you came across, places where you have been, etceteras. Dreams are mostly triggered by a current event, we need to find which event. If you know what started something, you also know how to stop it.'

'But I've done that already and I can't find anything…'

'Then you should write it down so we can review everything that happened together, we may found something that will help us solve this problem.'

'Yeah, you're right three people see more than one.' Logan suddenly looked up and sniffed the air. Ororo and Remy automatically became more aware of any possible attacks. They were relieved when Logan relaxed, it wasn't one of the many enemies of the X-men. 

'What was it homme?'

'Just One-eye who's probably looking for ya, ' cause ya missed the training this mornin'.

'Oh, great jez what I need; Fearless yellin' at me.'

Logan suddenly came aware of the fact that if Cyclops knew what was going on, he'd probably inform the Professor and put him off-duty. ' 'Ro, don't tell him okay? I don't want everyone ta know what's happening…'

'I understand, I will not speak a word.' 

'Thanks, 'Ro.'

'You're welcome my friend.' While she spoke the words, they saw Cyclops approaching them.

'Gambit! You're the one I was looking for! You were supposed to attend a dangerroom session this morning. This is the fifth time within two weeks! Where were you?'

'Uhh, in bed?' He flashed Cyclops a charming smile, which only annoyed the fearless leader even more.

'Firstly; You're on cleaning duty for this week, which means you have to clean the *whole* mansion including the dangerroom and all the other underground facilities, I'm sure Hank will appreciate it when you clean the lab for him. Secondly; You attend *all* training sessions even those in which you weren't planned to work out, this to compensate the ones you missed. Is that clear?'

The smile had left Remy's face by now. 'Yes, Sir… Jeez y' ve been in the army or somethin'?' Logan who sat next to him looked smugly at him, while Ororo tried to hide a smile. When Scott was finished and had left. Storm burst into laughing and Logan snickered. 'Ya heard it Gumbo. The *whole* mansion.' 

Remy glared at him, but couldn't stop the grin that formed on his face. 'Well, at least I had a great breakfast…'

#######

Please review! Up to part 5!!


	5. Part 5

Sorry for the wait… I've been busy with school, Christmas, etc. But anyway, here's part 5. Hope you'll enjoy it!

Note: ****** = Change of time or place

…….=Telepathic speech

_Italics _ = Thoughts

~……~ = Dreams

*……* = Emphasis

#######

Logan was off duty the rest of the day, so he had spent some time hunting in the woods surrounding the Xavier mansion. He sauntered towards the mansion for dinner. He was tired due to the lack of sleep of the previous night and the intense hunt that afternoon. He cleaned himself up a bit at the fountain in the great garden. He didn't want the others to see him with blood all over him, they would most likely think he was even worse an animal. He walked to his room put on some clean clothes and went to the kitchen. Suddenly he was alarmed by someone touching his shoulder. The adrenaline that was still in his body from the hunt, boiled up again and rushed trough his veins. He turned around, extended his claws and roared. He prepared to strike, but just in time realized he was looking into the frightened eyes of Jean. He lowered his arm, closed his eyes tight and breathed hard. He tried desperately to get in control again. Rogue and Storm who had been walking to the kitchen with Jean, sighed relieved. Rogue went to Jean to ask her if she was alright, while Ororo turned to Logan.

'Logan?' He shook his head. She realized he was still not in control and waited patiently. After a few moments he withdrew his claws and opened his eyes slowly while still breathing hard. 'Ro?'

'Yes, Logan I'm here, have you calmed down a bit, my friend?'

'Yeah.' He suddenly turned to Jean and Rogue. 'Jean! Oh God…did I hurt ya?'

'No, I'm fine, but you scared me quite a bit.' She answered with a weak smile.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…I didn't hear ya coming. Sorry.'

'Well yah should be! Are yah crazy?!?' Rogue was now yelling at him. "Yah scared ta hell outtah us!' 

Cyclops and the Professor, both alarmed by the commotion, entered the hallway.

'What in the world happened here?' Asked Cyclops when he saw his pale-looking wife. Storm tried to answer him, but Rogue was faster. 'Mister Feral, ovah here attacked Jean, out of thah blue!' She pointed accusingly at Logan, who looked away. 

'What!'

Storm, who knew that Cyclops was very mad, tried to stand up for Logan. 'He didn't hear us coming, so Jean who touched his shoulder alarmed him. He thought he was under attack. He never meant to hurt her.' Cyclops glared at Logan and turned to his wife.

'Logan, I want you in my office. Now.' The Professor stated calmly, but Logan could hear the underlying tone in his voice. He didn't say a word and walked slowly to the office of Professor Xavier, who followed him in his hooverchair.

'Sit down.' Logan did as he was told and the Professor sat at the other side of the desk. 'Logan the last few weeks you have become more and more aggressive. You are now at the point that you attack fellow teammates. You understand that this can't go any further.' Logan looked down. 'You're off duty for the time being. You will not attend dangerroom sessions nor missions, I want you to stay at the mansion grounds. Did I make myself clear?' Logan nodded. The Professor continued at a bit milder tone. 'Now, let's go and eat before the dinner gets cold.' Logan stood up slowly while the Professor made his way to the door. 'Charles…I'm sorry.' The Professor stopped and turned around. 'I know you are Logan and I also know that you didn't do it on purpose, but I can't help you if you refuse to talk about it.' Logan looked down again and they went to the dining-room. When Logan entered the room he sat down at the table without looking up. He could feel some of the others staring at him, he could sense the anger Cyclops was radiating. He looked up from his plate to get the potatoes, but they were at the other end of the table. He hesitated for a moment to get the potatoes by himself, but decided to ask Warren who sat next to him. 'Could ya hand me the potatoes, please?'

He got no answer. 'Angel?' Again nothing.

'Uh, Birdboy, I believe the Wolvster 's asking ya something… ' Jubilee stated. The other X-men now stopped talking and were looking expectantly at Warren and Logan.

'Warren…' The Professor said in a warning tone.

Warren grabbed the bowl with the potatoes and placed in front of Logan without even looking at him. 'Thanks.' The tension left the room and everyone went on with eating and chattering. Everyone but Logan. He knew they were mad at him and Warren wasn't exactly his best pal, but it still hurt. He sat there for another minute, but then excused himself and left the room. Remy who had missed everything looked at Ororo questioningly, but only saw concern in her eyes.

#######

So? What do you think? Tell me!


	6. Part 6

Hi, sorry for the wait. As you can see I posted two parts. I could've post one part, but it's real short and the next part was finished anyway. So I hope you'll enjoy reading them!

Please leave feedback J !

****** = Change of time or place

…….=Telepathic speech

__

Italics = Thoughts

~……~ = Dreams

*……* = Emphasis

#######

Chuck was right this gotta stop. I could've killed her! I just wish I could get some freakin' rest, then everything would be alright. But how? These nightmares, they keep coming back…How? He walked past the elevator to the underground lab. He could smell the chemicals. Suddenly he stopped. 

__

Wait a sec…That's it! I just should get myself sedated! He stepped inside the elevator and went down to Hanks lab. 

Once there he searched for any kind of sleeping pills or other sedatives. He soon spotted a drawer with a sticker that said 'sedatives' in Hanks usual doctor's scribble, there was more on the sticker but it was unreadable. Logan shrugged it off, opened the drawer and took out a bottle with pills. 

Again the sticker on the bottle was unreadable. _Man, Hank should really work on his handwriting. So let's see how many of these things will be strong enough to defeat my healing factor? Probably a lot… _

He shook about ten of the pills in his hand, took them with some water and put the bottle on Hank's desk. He went to his room to get into bed before he passed out, but he became suddenly dizzy in the hallway towards the elevator. 

Cold sweat started to develop on his forehead and his sight became blurry. He blinked a few times but it was useless. Slowly he sank down on all fours and tried to stop the nauseous feeling in his stomach. It didn't work and he fell on the ground with a thud, he blinked on last time and passed out. 

#######


	7. Part 7

****** = Change of time or place

…….=Telepathic speech

__

Italics = Thoughts

~……~ = Dreams

*……* = Emphasis

#######

Hank went to his medlab after dinner. He was surprised the elevator was down, normally only Jean and he himself went to the lab and they had both attended dinner. He was even more surprised when he opened they door and found Logan lying on the ground. He rushed to his friend and checked his pulse. He was both relieved and alerted when he found a beat that was far too slow. He touched his combadge. 'Jean, I need you here in the lab, immediately. ' He slowly turned Logan on his back, lifted him of the ground and carried him to a bed. Jean, who had heard the urgency in Hank's voice, was in the medlab within a few minutes. She was shocked to see Logan lying on a bed with several monitors hooked up to him. 'What happened?'

'I'm not sure, I found him unconscious in the hallway to the lab. His pulse is too slow, and his eyes react very slowly to light.'

'That would suggest the use of drugs?'

'Yes, that is exactly what I'm thinking, but I have no idea what kind of drugs and in which proportion.'

'How did he lay?' Hank looked at her questioningly. So she asked it different. 'Did he lay with his head towards the lab or the elevator?'

Hank got it this time. 'The elevator, so he was heading back. Maybe he got drugs from the lab. ' Jean nodded and looked around as Hank did the same.

'Hank over there! Isn't that the experimental sedative you've been working on?' She pointed at the opened bottle on the desk.

'Yes it is, but I'm sure I put it away in a drawer. He might have taken those.' He took the bottle and checked how much of the pills where still there. 'There are twelve missing. This looks not good Jean, these pills are ten times stronger than our strongest normal sedatives and he took *****twelve*.

'Twelve.' She repeated. 'Hank do you think he tried to…you know?' She wasn't able to speak the words out loud.

'I don't know Jean. Maybe he didn't know they were this strong.'

'I know. But why did he take them?'

'The only way to find out is to ask him when he regains consciousness again. I will look after him, would you please inform Charles about this?'

She nodded and walked to the Professor's office. 

*******

All X-men were in the briefing room. They had been asked to come there, because the Professor, Storm and Cyclops had something to say about Logan. Now they were waiting for their leaders to show up. Rogue was certain Logan was put off duty because he attacked Jean and was telling it to everyone who wanted to listen. Remy, who stood in the corner of the room, knew there was more than that. Why would all of the leaders be necessary to tell them that? And where were Hank and Jean. There must be more than that. A creepy feeling formed in the back of his head. _Somethin' happen'd…Hope Logan's ok…wish they tell somethin' soon.'_ As if on cue the door opened andCyclops followed by the Professor and Ororo entered the room. Silence fell and everybody looked at their leaders expectantly. Ororo's eyes sought Remy's and flashed him a look of great concern. The Professor started to speak.

'My friends, we've called you together to inform you about the circumstances our friend Wolverine is in. Which are of great concern. Logan lays unconscious in the medlab.'

'What happen'd?' _Merde dis ain't good._

'He took an overdose of an experimental drug and passed out in the hallway. Hank and Jean are with him now and have declared him stable. Physically.'

'Why did he took that medicine?' 

'We are not sure. He might have taken them to stop something like a headache and didn't realize how strong they were. But Logan has had suicidal thoughts in the past and there is a change that those thoughts are back…'

'Non, they're not!'

'Gambit I understand your doubts, but we have to consider the possibility.'

'Can I see him?' Remy didn't want to discuss this right now.

'Me too?' Jubilee asked fearfully.

'Of course you can.'

Remy, Ororo and Jubilee went to the medlab. Remy had noticed the fear Jubilee had and tried to comfort her. 'Hey petite, he did' try t' kill himself, really, everythin' will turn out right.' 

'But the Professor said…'

'I talked t' the Wolvster this afternoon, he wasn' depressed or sad or anythin' he was jez tired.' 

'Remy, you do not know what happened before dinner…'

'Then what happen'd?'

'Logan attacked Jean, because she touched him and he didn't hear her coming. You know how he is, he blames himself very bad for this. He was put off duty by Charles and I am sure the reactions of the others did not do him any good either.'

'He wouldn't do somethin' that stupid, b'lieve me!'

'Then why would he take those drugs?'

'I don' know, but not t' kill himself.'

'Gumbo 's right, Stormy. Wolvie wouldn't do that, it's far too easy. He never does anything the easy way!'

'I hope you are right, child.'

They entered the medlab. Jubilee and Remy went directly to Logan and Ororo went to see Hank. When Jubilee saw Logan laying unconsciously on the bed, she leaned in closer to Remy. Remy who knew this was hard on the girl put an arm around her shoulders and squeezed lightly. 'He's gonna be ok, petite, really.' 

Remy himself was also a little bit taken aback by seeing Logan like this. Logan looked very pale and the heart monitor that was attached to him wasn't really comforting either. Ororo returned from her conversation with Hank and approached the two of them. 'When he's goin' t' wake 'Ro?'

'Henry doesn't know exactly, but it should be somewhere between now and tomorrow afternoon. It depends how fast his healing factor will deal with the medicine.'

'Ok, I'll stay with him t'night.'

'Me too.' Jubilee said stubbornly. 

'No Jubilee, you will stay until ten o'clock and then you'll go to bed.'

'But Storm, I got to stay! What if he wakes?'

'I'm sure Remy will be kind enough to wake you when that happens. You need your rest.' 

'But Gumbo…' She looked pleadingly at the tall Cajun.

'Remy's sorry petite, I think Stormy's right. I promise t' wake y'.' 

Knowing there was no point in arguing with Storm when she was this protective, Jubilee resigned to this decision. Remy settled in a chair next to the bed and Jubilee did the same. 

'I will go and inform the others. Remy would you please inform me when he wakes up? And make sure Jubilee is in her bed by ten.'

'Of course 'Ro.'

#######

Did you like it? Hate it? Tell me! J 


	8. Part 8

Sorry for the LONG wait…I had a bad case of writer's block…

But anyway, here's part 8! Enjoy!

Thanks for the reviews!!

#######

Remy and Jubilee had been playing cards until it was half past ten and he had send her to bed by then. Now he was slumbering. With his feet on Logan's med-bed, he was almost laying. He had a great dream when he suddenly woke up by a groan and some movement under his feet. It took some moments to realize it was Logan who was waking up. He stood and watched how Logan opened his eyes slowly. 

'Hey, dere big guy…'

'Uhhh…Remy?'

'Yeah that's me. How're y' feelin' ?'

'Feel….sick…think…I…gotta….' He turned on his side and vomited before he could finish the sentence.

'Jeez…Don' worry I get Henri!' Remy rushed to the part of the lab where Hank worked on all kinds of experiments and called the blue furred mutant. 'Henri, it's Logan he's awake an' sick!'

Hank quickly made his way towards Logan and put a hand on his shoulder. 'Don't worry Logan it should be over in a few minutes. Remy, could you please get some cloths to clean this up, and some cool wet cloths for Logan?' Remy got some from a drawer and gave them to Hank, who tried to clean some of the mess. Remy cooled Logan with the others. Like Hank had said, the vomiting stopped after a few minutes and Logan calmed down. He lay down while Hank and Remy cleaned him and the bed.

'So how do you feel now, my friend? Better I hope?' Logan nodded slowly, the effects of the sedative slow but steady worn off.

'Next time y' decide t' do somethin' like that, warn me!' Logan grinned weakly.

'You will probably feel a little bit weak for a while, but beside that you're as fit as a fiddle. I suggest you'll stay in the lab until noon. I will inform the Professor now that you're awake, are there any questions?' 

'No…thanks Blue…'

'You're welcome, Logan. Now if you will excuse me.' Hank left the lab to find the Professor. 

'Y' sure y' alright?'

'Yeah I am Remy, really.'

'Ok, I promised Jubes an' Stormy t' get them when y' woke up. But before I do that I wanna know somethin'.'

'Go on…'

'Why did y' take the pills?'

'Well, I remember I was tired and I took some ta sleep better, but I can't remember anything that happened after that.' Remy smiled.

'What?'

'I knew y' had only taken them t' sleep better, but the others think y' took them ta kill yerself.'

'Why would they think that?'

'Because y' accidentally took an overdose of some experiment Henri was workin' on… Charles thought yer suicidal thoughts had returned. Didn' know y 'have been suicidal though…' He glanced at Logan carefully to see if this offended him, but he didn't seem to mind.

'Ya know, after Weapon X I was really depressed and…' Logan paused.

'Y' don' have t' tell m' if y' don' want to.'

'It's okay. It's just I haven't told anyone but Chuck about this. But since yer my friend it's ok ta tell ya. So after Weapon X I tried it some times, but the ol' healin'factor kicked in everytime. After that it went well for some time, but when Mariko died the old feeling came back and I tried it again, but as you can see without success.'

'I'm sorry, mon ami, that y' had t' go trough that…'

'Don't. I got over it.' Logan decided to change the subject. 'So an overdose, he? Didn't knew the stuff was that strong, I just took a few ta dose my healingfactor. Poor Hank I ate his experiment…' Logan grinned at Remy, who smiled back.

'Yeah, well that saves him t' find a test subject.'

'Yeah. Hey I don't mind talkin' ta ya, but if Jubes hears I'm awake for about ten minutes now and ya didn't call her she'll skin ya alive…' 

'Merde, yer right, I promised t' wake them. Better do that now, ok?'

'Sure.'

'See y' '

'Just go Gumbo, she'll kill ya…' Logan smiled and closed his eyes.

While Gambit woke Jubilee and Storm, Hank and the Professor entered the medlab. Logan opened his eyes slowly when he sensed them. 'Hey Blue, Chuck.'

'Hello Logan, how are you feeling.'

' A lot better, thanks. But I really wanna get outta here. This freakin' lab is driving me nuts.'

'Logan, Henry and I are concerned about you. You've been acting strange lately. Would you please tell us what's going on?'

'There's nothing going on, Chuck.'

'If that was true you wouldn't take medication, we all know you don't go anywhere near a laboratory without a good reason. So tell me why did you take those pills.'

Logan didn't want to lie to Charles, but also didn't want him to get involved. So he decided to tell a half lie. 'I just didn't feel well and I thought that stuff would make me feel better. I didn't know how strong it was, so when I went back ta my room I passed out. Anyway, it's not what ya think it is.' It was the truth, but lacked a lot of details. Charles knew this too.

'Logan please tell me what's wrong, it's the only way we can help you.'

'Just listen Chuck, I'm flattered you're concerned about me and I appreciate that you want to help. But thanks but no thanks. I don't need yer help. So please respect my decision and stay outta it.'

'Logan…'

'No Chuck, thanks. Just let me out.'

'I'm afraid we can't do that .' Hank said. 'The medicine is not yet out of your system.'

'Fuck it. I'm outta here.' Logan brusquely stood up and noticed for the fist time that morning he was attached to a monitor. He stopped abruptly and stared at the wire on his chest. His breaths came faster and he looked slowly at the others. Hank saw the rage burning in his eyes and tried to reason him. 

'Logan, calm down. It's just a heart monitor to check your pulse. I assure you it didn't harm you in any way.'

Charles mentally tried to stop Logan from turning feral. He was taken aback by all the images and feelings that flashed through Logan's mind. He couldn't identify all the images, but a few he knew for sure were about the adamantium-experiment. He mentally forced them back and radiated calm thoughts into Logan's mind. 

Logan calmed down and drew a deep breath. He pulled the wire out and the wound healed instantly. After that he went away quickly, ignoring Hank and Professor Xavier who were calling after him.

*******

#######

So what do ya think? I'd love to know it!


	9. Part 9

Hey, thanks for reminding me this story still existed! I'm sorry it took so long to post something, but here it is finally! At the moment I'm pretty busy, but I hope to write more soon. I have some ideas for this story but also for some new ones. To pass time here's part 9:

Note: I'm Dutch so my grammar probably sucks…

Note 2: ****** = Change of time or place 

            …….=Telepathic speech

            _Italics   _ = Thoughts

            ~……~ = Dreams

            *……* = Emphasis

**************

Logan rushed to the elevator, but it was in use. Remy had just returned and now he, Ororo and Jubilee went down to see Logan. Logan hit the doors out of frustration. He waited till they were there, stepped in and went up without saying anything. The others in the elevator just looked at him and decided not to say anything. Logan went out and they followed him to the garden. Jubilee was the first to speak. 'How're ya doing, Wolvie? 

'Fine.'

'Yeah, right…'

Logan sighed and decided she was just concerned and didn't deserve to be snapped at. 'I'm alright, darlin'' 

'Really?'

He looked at her. 'Really.'

She hugged him tightly. 'Oh, Wolvie I was so afraid…'

He put his big, hairy arms around her slender back. 'It's okay darlin', I'm fine.'

She pulled loose from his light grip and glared at him. 'If ya ever do something that stupid again, I'll hurt ya bad ya big lug!'

'I bet ya do.' He said smiling at her. She soon smiled back and hugged him again.

Ororo and Remy stood in awe about the scene that played in front of their eyes. They were amazed how Jubilee could affect the pained man so easily. Jubilee had lifted Logan's spirits in no time. When Jubilee finally released Logan, he turned to face Ororo and Remy. 'Hey, guys.'

'Hello, Logan. How are you feeling, my friend?'

'Like I said ta Jubes here, I'm fine.' 

'I am glad Logan. You were out of the laboratory soon?'

'Uh…well…yeah ya could say that.'

'Logan…'

' I ran off.'

'Why?'

'Chuck and Hank, they were whining about the medicine that it isn't out off my system yet and wouldn't let me go. So I left.'

'I take it they are angry with you?'

'I guess. Doesn't matter anyway, I'm out of duty already. They can't make it worse.'

'I am sure it is for your own good Logan.'

'Yeah right…'

'So what are ya gonna do now Wolvie?'

'Don't know…I'm not allowed in the dangerroom or to leave the mansion. So I guess I just go to my room and relax a bit. Maybe listen ta some music or read something.'

'Reading?' Jubilee frowned. 'You read? Ya know reading involves *books* and not fighting, Harley, beer, bar…'

'Yeah I know, so?'

'I don't know ya ain't the reading type that's all. Besides books are boring.'

'*sigh*… sure kid. Anyway I don't know what ta do.' Logan sniffed the air. 'Guess what. I already have something ta deal with.'

A few seconds later Charles came in to view. 

'Logan here you are! You were not allowed to leave.'

'So what.'

'We need to talk Logan. Now.'

'So talk.'

'Not here, in my office privately.' 

Logan shrugged, looked at his friends apologetically and followed Charles to his office.

******* 

'Like I said, I'm very concerned about you. Especially about what happened yesterday. I am not sure why you took those pills and I want an explanation.'

'I already told ya. I was tired, nothing else. I didn't want ta kill myself if ya think that.'

'I'm glad, Logan. I truly am. After what happened when Mariko died I was afraid this was another attempt.'

'I wanted ta die right then. I don't wanna die anymore. I don't like my life, but I can't be that selfish. I would kill Jubes with me.'

'I'm afraid that's true. Afraid and glad. She seems to stabilize you.'  

'So, I'm stable. Can I go now?'

'No, you can not. You went feral almost every mission the last period of time and you even attacked Jean. You take medicines because you are tired. This is strange behavior Logan, even for you. Care to explain?'

Logan stood and walked to the large window. He stared outside for a moment then turned with a pained expression on his face. 'I…I don't wanna tell ya.'

'Why not?'

''Cause ya've done enough or me already. You're busy with important things and ya can't use my problems on top of that.'

'Logan I *want* to help you. What can be more important than my friend.'

'Thanks Chuck, really. But I really don't wanna.'

'Alright then, I respect that decision, but I want you to go to someone else for help. This can't go on and you know that. So please Logan get some help, if you don't, I'll be forced to make you open up to me and I don't want to do that.'

'I know. 'Ro and Gumbo are helping me figure this out. If we can't solve it, you'll be the first ta know and I hope you will help me then.'

'Of course, my friend.'

'Thanks, we gonna work it out Chuck, ya can bet on that!'

'I hope so.'

*******

I'd like to know your thoughts!! So please review!


	10. Part 10

Title: Broken 

Disclaimer: The X-men are not mine… 

Review:  Please! 

Note: I'm Dutch so my grammar probably sucks…

Note 2: ****** = Change of time or place 

            …….=Telepathic speech

            _Italics   _ = Thoughts

            ~……~ = Dreams

            *……* = Emphasis

I know this chapter is way too short and I'm sorry for that….

----------------

The rest of the day passed off quietly. No villains or lost mutants on their doorsteps. Remy had spent the day training in the dangerroom, under supervision of The Fearless Leader himself, and cleaning the kitchen (which was a mess because Jubilee had made an attempt to bake pancakes). Ororo had been working in the greenhouse. And Logan? Logan was bored out of his mind. Some concerned teammates came to check on him but that was it. No dangerroom, no bar fights, no rides on his Harley.  

 That night Logan went to bed early. He took a hot shower, meditated and tried to relax. He fell a sleep soon, due to the lack of sleep from the past days. The medicines hadn't worked; he had only slept a few hours before his healingfactor made him wake up again. 

The lack of sleep didn't harm him physically, but he was getting mentally exhausted. He was frustrated and scared at the same time. He always needed to be alert to control his inner beast. He could unintentionally hurt his friends, if he wasn't alert. 

Scared also because of the scattered memories of the horrible time at Weapon X, that haunted him in his dreams.

~ He lay on a surgery table again, there were people this time. Or at least creatures that looked like people. Their faces were covered by masks and they didn't make a sound. They drew lines on his body. He panicked and tried to pull loose from the metal bounds on his wrists and ankles. He yelled, but they didn't respond. 'Let me go!! Don't do this! Please no!'  They just ignored him and got surgery knives. He screamed when they started to cut along the lines they had just drew on him.

 Everything went white. When his vision became clear again he was back in the dark, dirty cell where they had locked him up between the experiments. He looked at his body, now full of cuts and blood. He tried to wipe it off of him, but it was useless the blood was everywhere. 

White…He was outside in the snow, soldiers everywhere, blood, claws. 

White…A voice, 'Engage memory erase, now.', a burning pain in his head. 

White…Outside again, a place strangely familiar, nothing but silence and peace this time. He didn't trust it. It was too silent. He's looking for something but he can't find it.

RED… a burning pain shoots through his body, he tries to move but he can't. Liquid, sticky, all around him. Tubes and wires connected to his skin. The pain was unbearable. His mind tells his body to faint, but it doesn't listen because of the drugs they pumped in it. He screams. NO!!~

---------------

I told ya it was too short…. I warned ya….


	11. Part 11

Title: Broken 

Disclaimer: The X-men are not mine… 

Review:  Please! 

Note: I'm Dutch so my grammar probably sucks…

Note 2: ****** = Change of time or place 

            …….=Telepathic speech

            _Italics   _ = Thoughts

            ~……~ = Dreams

            *……* = Emphasis

Hi, Thanks for the reviews!

Logan shot up from his bed, claws extended. His breathing was rapid and his body trembled.  He searched the room with haunted eyes. _No one…just a dream_. He looked at his bed, the sheets were torn and there were holes in the mattress and in the wall. There was something else, a dark liquid. He stepped closer. _Blood! He looked at his body, which was full of slashes, blood dripping from it. The images of him on the surgery table flashed through his mind. He panicked._ No...I…what happened? No! Help… 'Ro_ He rushed out of his room. He went to the stairs to the loft, his night vision making it possible not to stumble on the steps. When he was upstairs he knocked on her door. When she didn't open it fast enough he called her. 'Ro…'RO! Wake up!'_

Ororo, who was surprised by the sudden interruption of her sleep, opened the door and gasped at the sight of Logan standing in the doorway. 

'Goddess Logan! You are bleeding! What happened? Get in my room, now!

'I…'Ro…blood…nightmare…' He winced when Ororo turned the light on and pushed him on her bed. 

Ororo examined the wounds. 'It's healed already. It's just blood now, Logan. Calm down. What happened? Who did this to you? Is there somebody in the mansion? The alarms didn't go off. We must warn the others!'

'No.'

'No? But…'

'Nobody…nothing.'

'But Logan? I do not understand. Tell me, how did you get hurt?'

'I don't know.' He had calmed down by this time already.

'Did you have another nightmare?' Logan nodded. 

'Tell me about it.'

'Okay, it was about Weapon X. Memories, but in weird order. I didn't understand. When I woke up I saw the blood and I panicked. That's why I went to ya. Sorry for waking ya up.'

'That's alright Logan. Can you tell me about those memories?'

'The surgery table, there were people cutting into me. Then, suddenly, I was in my cell and I was covered in blood.'

Ororo winced inwardly. 'Cell?'

'Yeah where they locked me when they didn't do experiments. Then I was fighting outside. There were a lot of soldiers.' He paused. 'I think I've killed them. Then they wiped the memories, I heard his voice.'

'Whose voice?'

'The leader…I guess.'

'I see, go on.'

'Then it became weird. I was somewhere outside…nothing happened 'Ro, there wasn't even a sound. It didn't make any sense. I was searching for something out there, but I don't know where it was. I think I knew the place though, I've seen it before in my dreams, but it lasted a few moments and then…'

'Then what happened, Logan?' Ororo asked friendly. 

'Pain. So much pain. I was in that fishbowl, you know, one of those medical things. There were wires and tubes all over me. They hurt as hell. I wanted to pass out to block the pain, but they had drugged me up. So I tried to get them off, but I couldn't move my arms to get them away. Then I woke up, ya know the rest of the story.' 

Her heart ached for this man, who was treated like he was nothing. _How can people be so inhuman? How can you stand seeing someone in so much pain and do nothing about it?  _

'Maybe you cut yourself during the nightmare. You said you tried to get the wires off of you and it didn't work. Maybe it did work in real time?'

'Yeah I was thinking that myself.'

'Thank the goddess you have that healing factor Logan. You could've killed yourself accidentally. '  

'Yeah, well too bad I didn't.'

'Logan! Don't talk like that!' She actually hit him when she said that.

He ducked and chuckled 'Cripes, sorry darlin' then he got serious again. 'Do ya think that place in my dream had something to do with it?'

'I don't know for sure, but you said you knew the place. That indicates that there can be a connection between that place and your nightmares. So we might need to learn more about it. It's our only lead this far.'

'Maybe you're right, we should check it out…But how? I don't even know *where* it is.'

'Can you describe it for me?'

'Uh...there was snow and trees. So I guess it was in Canada in the woods. But there were no sounds, it was completely silent. That's all I…wait! There was this tree…it was different.' He frowned. 'I think it was a willow? Ya know, one of those curved hunchback things.'

'A pollard-willow.'

'Well, yer the professional, so I guess yer right.'

'But those are rare in the Canadian woods [A/N: I have no flamin' idea if that's true, but it is in this story  ;-)]. This could be a lead Logan. Try to remember if you have seen that tree before.'

'Easier said than done darlin'. My memories are a mess, ya know that.'

'I think you should try Logan, for your own sake.'

'Yer right, I should try.'  He closed his eyes and started concentrating on finding a memory of the curved tree. Ororo waited patiently for him to search trough his scattered memories. Logan sighed; it seemed hopeless, how the hell was he supposed to find a freakin' tree if he couldn't even remember his name. Just when he was about to give up, a memory flashed in his mind. ::He was in the Yukon, Canada. He was more an animal than a human, growling he made his way trough the snow. It was cold and the wind was cutting in the fresh wounds all over his body. He looked around wearily then crumpled to the ground his eyes open long enough to see the strange tree standing in the white snow like an old man::.

 Logan opened his eyes in shock and looked at Ororo. 'I remember! It's near the Rockies in the Yukon Territories. I just escaped from Weapon X, when I saw that tree.'


	12. Part 12

Title: Broken 

Disclaimer: The X-men are not mine… 

Review:  Please! 

Note: I'm Dutch so my grammar probably sucks…

Note 2: ****** = Change of time or place 

            …….=Telepathic speech

            _Italics   _ = Thoughts

            ~……~ = Dreams

            *……* = Emphasis

Hi! Here's part 12! Sorry for the wait, I've been very busy with school starting and all, but it's finally here! Hope you enjoy it!

'Well the Yukon Territories are very large. Is there a way we could focus our search area?'

'The Weapon X facility is there…Maybe that's a place ta start?'

'Do you have the coordinates?'

'Sure, I've been there once. It was nothing but a ruin.'

'Then we'll start there! Now get some sleep my friend you look awfully tired. Tomorrow I will speak to Charles about this and ask him permission to go to Canada.'

'Thanks 'Ro I really appreciate that you're doing this fer me.'

'You are very welcome, my friend. Now make sure you get some rest.'

Although Logan knew he couldn't go back to sleep he still went to his room to please Ororo. He was grateful for her help, she was one of the few people that had patience with him and didn't judge him on first impression. He cleaned up his blood-soaked sheets and settled on his bed to spend the rest of the night watching television. He thought about the oncoming 'mission' to Canada. On one hand he really wanted to find out what caused his persistent nightmares and on the other hand he was scared for what he might find. Whatever the outcome was he would be glad when it was over and he had some decent night's rest. 

That morning Logan was waiting for Ororo to finish her conversation with the professor. He had decided that it was better if she went in alone for his temper might get in the way and they wouldn't be allowed to go. He was about to burst with impatience when he heard the professor's mind voice telling him he could enter. He flashed Ororo a quick smile before turning his attention to the professor.

"Well? Can we go and check it out?"

"Yes, you can, but under a few conditions. First: This may not be a team mission, but Ororo will be in charge and I expect you to follow her lead even if you don't like that. Secondly: I want a third person to be coming with you in case of trouble, and considering his involvement in this matter I think Gambit would be an appropriate choice.  The third thing I want to say to you: Be careful and don't rush into things without thinking first, you tend to do that a lot." That got him a chuckle from Logan.

"Come on Chuck I would never do that." 

"Of course you wouldn't." Said the professor smiling.

"All right, let's go 'Ro, we've got a Cajun ta wake up. Thanks Chuck!"

After waking Gambit and packing some stuff they went to the hangar to take off to Canada. But to do that they needed to go past one hurdle: Jubilee.  One way or another she knew they were leaving and packed her stuff also. Now she was begging them to let her come with them.

"Come on Storm…can I go? Please?"

"No Jubilee I might get dangerous, we don't know what triggered Logan's dreams so we have to be careful."

"Come on 'Ro let her go, she's been in more danger than most of the adults around here. She knows how ta take care of herself."

"He's right Stormy…de petite can hold her own."

Storm saw the determination in Jubilee's eyes and realized there was no help from the men either. 

"All right you can come with us. "She said reluctantly. "But you'll have to stay out of harm's way and stay close to us when things go wrong."

A cheerful shout was the only answer she got. 

They took one of the smaller jets and took off to Canada. Logan gave Ororo the coordinates and within a few hours they landed on the snow covered ground in Canada. 

"Couldn' Weapon X build dis thing in Hawaii? Merde it's cold out here." Remy shivered and pulled his ever present duster tighter around his body.

"Stop whining Gumbo and let's find this thing, the sooner we figure this out the sooner we can go home." 

"According to the GPS we should go that way." They walked in the direction Ororo had pointed out and started their search for Logan's past.

After a few minutes of walking Logan saw the eerie bunker of Weapon X looming up in front of them.  

######

Please tell me what you think about it!


	13. Part 13

Thanks for all your kind reviews! 

Again sorry for the wait… 

(Oh and 'godgivetheglory',  thanks for your comment on my grammar, it really makes me feel more comfortable when writing this, the only thing I have to do now is to convince my English teacher that it's not as bad as it seems ;-)  )

 "Geez…this place is like really huge!"

"Dat's an understatement petite…" Both Remy and Jubilee walked further while Ororo and Logan stood still and watched the building.  

 "It is very large indeed. Logan?" She got no answer. Logan was staring at the large building lost in thoughts. 

"Logan are you all right?" She lightly touched his shoulder and he jumped at the touch.

"Huh?…Yeah I'm fine Darlin'. Let's keep going."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah I'm sure."  She looked at him worriedly, but knew better than asking him again. She knew how difficult it must be for him. He had told her about his first visit to this building when he returned. He had been so disappointed. Finding a lead after so many years of living in doubt about who he really was had gotten him real excited and discovering it was nothing but a ruin almost destroyed him. Now he had to go back to try and find something else, she knew he couldn't handle another disappointment and promised him silently that she would help him no matter what the outcome would be. They walked towards Jubilee and Gambit who were waiting for them. She wondered why they had stopped, but soon saw the reason; a large fence blocked their way. Jubilee wanted to touch it to test its strength.

"No! Don't touch it!" She pulled her hand back quickly and looked confused at Logan so did Ororo and Remy. He explained himself further. "The fence is electrified. They left some of the generators on line to make sure nobody got in. There's a large hole in it though. If I remember correctly it's on the left side of the building. We can pass through there." 

When they found the spot that Logan told them about they went in one by one. Gambit who came in last noticed that this hole had been made by something or someone who was definitely in a hurry; it was cut into pieces, ripped open with something sharp. He shuddered involuntary when he realized this must had been Logan's escape route all these years ago. It had been patched up but Logan must have opened it again when he came back a few years ago.

As soon as Logan got in he took a deep breath. "So, this is it. There's nothing left of it but a dirty old building."

"Have you been inside?"

"Yeah, looks just like this. But we can go inside if ya want to."

"Do *you* want to go in?"

"I don't know… Maybe I missed something the first time I was here…"

"We can take a look Logan we might find something that will help to figure this all out."

"Yer right, let's go. Gumbo, Jubes; come on. There is a door that way, I opened it a few years back, hopefully it didn't rust."

Once inside the building it took them a few seconds to get used to the dim light and the foul smell of the building. They followed Logan down a long corridor until he stopped and turned around to face them. 

"Jubes, I want you to close yer eyes, just hold on to me. 'Ro, Remy better cover yer nose and look the other way."

"Why, Wolvie?"

"Let's say that Weapon X didn't care much for his employees…" Their eyes grew big when they realized what that meant. 

"Y-you mean …"

"Yup, just left behind and forgotten, God knows what they told his family. There are a few more, but we don't have to pass that way. Come on let's go, it gets better when we get past him, more light, some fresh air."

They did as they were told, but Remy couldn't stop himself from taking a quick peek. What he saw made him sick and left a knot in his stomach. The body of this soldier was nothing more than a rotten skeleton, the remains of his uniform were loose around the bones. But the most appalling was the skull; three marks ran deep over the whole length of what once was a face. He quickly looked away again and realized he was once more confronted with the destructive power of the Wolverine. On the end of the hallway they entered a large room. Logan told Jubilee to open her eyes again. She saw they had entered some sort of office. Everywhere were the remains of computers, documents and desks. Like Logan had said there was much more light and fresh air thanks to the large broken window in the ceiling.

Ororo was relieved; the dark, small corridor triggered her claustrophobia and she was grateful for the fresh air and the space in this room. Logan must have sensed it too because he looked at her concerned. "Are you all right?"

She just nodded and gave him a smile, he gave her a small smile in return, but it vanished as soon as he looked at the room again. 

"I couldn't find anything useful the last time, I destroyed it all back then, pretty stupid huh?"

She didn't answer him, but looked in his eyes and saw the pain and frustration written into them. She wanted desperately to take him into her arms, holding him close, protecting him from everything that happened here, to make sure no one could hurt him again. But instead of that she took his hand in hers, gave it a little squeeze and gave him a supportive smile. " We will figure it out, I promise."

"Thanks 'Ro for doing this ta me. I've been an ass the past few weeks… I'm sorry."

"It wasn't your fault Logan."

He snorted. "Funny, you're the only one who seems ta think that."

"That's not true Logan, Jubilation and my brother know that too, besides they other X-men know it also but they don't know how to handle it. Rogue for example; when you are like that she is reminded of her own fight for control between her and the minds of the people she once absorbed. That's why she's acting so angry towards you."

 "Really? I never realized that. I always thought she thought of me as a disgusting animal when I'm feral. But she's angry because I remind her of her own control?"

 "Yes, it's a kind of defense mechanism, much like your own."

"What do ya mean?"

"By being angry all the time you keep a distance between you and other people. So they can't see that you are in fact hurt."

He thought about that for a moment. But before he could answer, Jubilee's scream made him turn around and run towards her.

"Jubes, what's…Oh shit!"

#######

Yes, I know it's a bit short again, but I promise that the next part will be longer. 

So you know by now I'm not so fast, so in the meanwhile ya could review this one J 


	14. Part 14

Title: Broken 

Disclaimer: The X-men are not mine… 

Review:  Please! 

Note: ****** = Change of time or place 

            …….=Telepathic speech

            _Italics   _ = Thoughts

            ~……~ = Dreams

            *……* = Emphasis

Hey, thanks again for your kind reviews! 

In this part ya gonna find out what happened to Jubes, I promise ;-) 

storms-rose: thanks for your review! I'll try to speed up a little bit with the Lo/Ro thing! 

#######

Jubilation Lee, the ever curious teenager, had opened a door and got more than she bargained for. By the time she could adjust to the sudden bright light that had been locked behind the large, heavy metal door, there were two lasers and at least four other guns pointed at her. The weapons were attached to the wall and seemed to have some sort of infra red warmth sensor. The only thing she could think of was screaming for help.

"Wolvie!!" 

Wolverine ran to her, while Gambit who was closer pulled out a deck of cards and started to charge them. It were just seconds before Wolverine reached Jubilee and pushed her out of the way. Gambit threw his, with kinetic energy loaded, cards at one of the lasers. Ororo's eyes had turned from deep blue to icy white and dark clouds were forming above the broken window. Wolverine stood up and attacked the other laser, while a lightning bolt destroyed the other guns.

"This ain't over yet people! There's a flame-thrower at two o'clock!"

He dived in and slashed at everything he saw. He was close to losing the battle against the beast. Gambit discovered that the flamethrower wasn't the only thing that was aiming for their lives and threw some more cards at the various weapons that seemed to pop up out of nothing. Jubilee- a bit shaken, but okay- jumped up and assisted him by 'paffing' a few. Ororo destroyed a few with some well aimed lightning bolts, but couldn't do very much, for Logan was still somewhere in the large room. She tried to find him trough the smoke of the already destroyed weapons, but couldn't find him. When she finally spotted him he was slashing at a large metal robot, which was firing at him with some sort of beam. The robot was no match for the Wolverine and soon it fell in pieces to the ground. 

"Logan! You need to get out of there!"

Logan whirled around to face her and she saw the rage burning in his eyes. _Goddess! He's feral…but he needs to get out of that room so I can use my full power. How am I going to get to him?_ They looked at each other for what seemed ages, but Ororo saw the rage slowly disappearing out of those pale blue eyes. 

"Logan. You need to get out of there, now." She didn't raise her voice because she knew he could hear her and she saw it had the desired effect. Logan, who was obviously not yet his normal self, understood what she was saying and ran to her while on his way destroying three other machines. As soon as he was there Ororo released the full power of the storm above their heads and directed it into the room. The loud crash and the blinding light made the three other X-men duck for cover. 

Coughing and waving at the slowly clearing smoke they stood up.

"Merde Stormy, a little warnin' would've been nice…But I have t' admit that y' did a good job."

"Thank you Remy. And do * not* call me Stormy. Jubilee?"

"Dude! Ya got them Storm!"

"That's an all right, I guess?"

"Yup, I'm fine. Where is Wolvie?"

They jumped slightly when they heard a low growl and try to see through the thick smoke.

"Logan? Mon ami? Y'all right? ' They got no answer except for another growl emanating from behind the debris of the room. Straining her eyes Ororo could barely make out the hunched from of Logan while he crouched low against the blackened wall. She slowly approached him and saw he was bleeding from a large gash on his head. Being the last to come out of the room before she blew it, he probably had been hit by a flying piece of metal. Mentally kicking herself for not waiting until he was save, she started talking softly to him. 

"Logan, please calm down. Nobody is going to hurt you. You can come out now, it's save."  

She saw him cautiously look around and slowly averting his piercing gaze to her. The gash on his head became smaller every second and it didn't take long before it fully closed. He retracted the claws on is left hand and wiped at the blood that dripped down his forehead into his left eye. Ororo saw this as a cue to get closer to him until she could touch him. As she did so he gave her a silent snarl, but accepted the touch anyways. Jubilee and Remy, both relieved that he calmed down a bit, came closer and waited behind Storm.

"Wolvie? You okay?"

Hearing Jubilee's familiar voice he retracted the claws on his right hand too and looked up to her.  

"Jubes?" He asked in a raspy voice.

"Yeah, that's me. You gonna be okay, now? I'd like ta get outta here, you know."

"Oui, Remy doesn' like it here either."

Logan stood up slowly, still a bit wary, and wiped his bloody hand on his pants. Giving them another look he walked past them and turned around to take a look at the room.

"It was a place to test my fighting skills… They put soldiers in it and I had to kill them, then I had to get past the machines and robots and push a button on the other end, when I reached it in time they'd let me stop…when I didn't I had to go again and again…all those people…killed because of me…" His voice sounded distant and monotone. 

"It wasn't because of you, Logan, they made you do it."

"Bullshit 'Ro and you know it! *I* was their little experiment! *I* was their Weapon! *I* was the one that killed them! Drove my claws in their hearts! I was the last one they saw instead of their family, their friends! It was *me*! If *****I* was faster they wouldn't have died, they'd be happy and living!" 

During his ranting his claws had come out again and the rage was back in his eyes.

"No Logan! That's not true! Why do you blame yourself?"

"Because it's true! That's what I did, didn't I? I killed them." He shouted, pointing with his claws to the devastated room.

"Yes, you did, but you couldn't help it. They made you do it. It wasn't your fault. Nobody blames you except you." Ororo said calmly so she wouldn't agitate him even more. All of a sudden Logan's outburst disappeared; he turned around panting from the emotional strain he was under. 

"They did." He said quietly. "They told me I was a piece of shit. That I murdered all those people, because I was nothing but a disgusting animal. They let the other soldiers beat me up for killing their friends. At first I didn't understand, but I know now it was my fault… I killed them all… I deserved it."

"Non, Logan, dat's what they want y'to believe. 'You are not to blame for something another person made ya do.' Remember that? That's what y' said t' me after I told y' Sinister made me lead the Marauders to the Morlocks. Y' made me believe in myself again, y' didn' blame me an' made sure I didn' blame myself. Are y' gonna take your own lesson now homme?  Or are y' gonna brood an' hate yerself for something y' didn't do, for the rest of yer life? "

"Swamp rat's right Wolvie. It wasn't your fault."

Logan turned to them and saw the sincerity in their eyes. Running a hand through his thick hair he realized they were right.

"Thanks guys, sometimes I just need someone to kick my ass. Let's get out of this place." With that they all got out and once again set food in the soft white snow that covered the earth.

#########

Okay, tell me what you think… I'd love to know!


	15. Part 15

Title: Broken 

Disclaimer: The X-men are not mine… 

Review:  Please! 

Note: I'm Dutch so my grammar probably sucks…

Note 2: ****** = Change of time or place 

            …….=Telepathic speech

            _Italics   _ = Thoughts

            ~……~ = Dreams

            *……* = Emphasis

hey, thanks for taking the time to review! Again I'm sorry it took so long….

***********

It started to get dark and the temperature was dropping. Both Jubilee and Gambit, not used to the cold, were shivering while they walked back to the jet. Logan and Ororo on the other hand weren't affected much by the low temperature. They walked in silence each occupied with his or her own thoughts, but Logan knew his outburst earlier was what all of them had on their mind. He was ashamed he showed so much weakness. _Well nothing new there, bub. You've been a fuckin' weakling for some time now. Need to find out why… why all this is affecting me that much. Tomorrow I'll find some answers!_

By the time they reached the jet it was completely dark and very cold. The hatch opened with a hiss and they were all grateful for the warmth  that surrounded them as soon as they got in. After dropping their coats and wet shoes on the ground somewhere near the entrance they sat down at the small table in the back of the jet playing with the extra deck of cards that seemed to be permanently at Remy's side. The hot chocolate, which Jubilee insisted on having,  spreading a sweet smell through the plane. Logan carefully avoided the subject of this mission and instead made sure Jubilee was enthusiastically relating some stories of her life in Massachusetts, most of the stuff she told them he heard for the third time by now, but everything was better than him being the subject of conversation. Ororo told her she should go to bed by half past ten and to everybody's surprise she went without even a bit of resistance. The adults stayed awake a little longer, but they were all tired of the earlier events and soon went to bed too.  

Logan could hear their breathing slow down and knew they were fast asleep. He himself though was tired but couldn't get to sleep. He was tossing and turning, while thoughts ran through his head. Questions, memories they wouldn't leave him alone. He stared up at the ceiling and tried to relax, but nothing worked. Figuring that out himself, he got up and put his clothes on. He tried to move silently around in the small jet, but being a broad guy didn't help matters. He bumped his shoulder hard on some out sticking metal panel. He muttered a curse and checked if the others where still asleep. At first he heard nothing and continued his way to the door, but then he heard the faint rustle of blankets and saw a sleepy head looking his way. "Logan?"

"Yeah, it's me 'Ro, you can go back to sleep again."

"Why are you up?"

"Couldn't sleep."

Ororo sat up in her bed waiting for him to continue.

"Wanted to go outside, get some fresh air. Didn't want to wake ya, sorry."

"Oh, it's alright, I wasn't very tired anyway. Do you want me to join you?" Logan could tell that she actually was tired, but didn't comment on it.

"Well, it's pretty cold out there, are you sure?"

"I am not affected by cold Logan, you know that. If you don't want me to come with you, you can tell me."

"No, no…I mean it's okay, but…" Ororo cut him short.

"Alright then give me a moment to dress."   He turned around while she put on her clothes and a few moments later they stood once again in the Canadian snow. They found a large fallen tree wiped the snow off of it and sat together in comfortable silence.

After a few minutes, Logan was the first to speak. "I'm sorry."

"I told you it was alright, I'm a light sleeper you couldn't help it."

"No not that…I meant sorry, for earlier. For yelling at you like that."

"You were upset, you…"

"No, 'Ro, it was wrong, sorry."

 "Logan…" she saw the look in his eyes and realized he needed to apologize, to make sure she knew he truly was sorry. "Apology accepted."

He gave her a nod and looked up at the stars seemingly lost in thoughts.  She watched him for awhile. He looked strangely vulnerable, something that not many people would say of him. Gruff, mean and angered was more like it. But did those people ever see through the mask? Did they see through the front he put up? Probably not, because they would have seen what she saw today; A troubled and confused man, with scars that don't show on the outside, but with wounds inside that will never heal by themselves, that are festering with self-loathing and fear of being hurt again. When she saw him losing it in the Weapon X building she vowed to help him, to heal every festering wound on his soul. That feeling grew stronger every minute and it was then she realized something. Something that made her feel happy and cheerful; she was in love. Not with the Wolverine, but with Logan, the man inside. 

She spoke to him softly. "Everything will be alright Logan."

He looked at her intensely without saying something. First she thought she had angered him by saying something wrong and she quickly ran through everything she said. But before she knew he sat opposite her and raised his hands to her face, caressing her cheeks softly. His face came closer to her hers and she looked in his eyes with the same intensity he looked at hers. He inched forward and their lips met softly. Ororo leaned into him and kissed him back.  After a moment he broke the kiss just as softly as he had started it and ran his hand through her hair. Resting his forehead against hers he whispered: "I know. Thank you."

He pulled back slowly. He looked at her and promised silently _When this is all over, I'll be there for you 'Ro. I'll be there. I love you._ She saw it in his eyes and sent a silent _I love you too _back. He let out a small smile and stood up, helping her to get up too. They walked slowly back to the jet and for once Logan's mind was clear of all the pain and anger and was filled with a great peace.

*******

So, what do ya think?

I promise the next chap will be longer…..


	16. Part 16

Thanks for all your wonderful reviews! I'm glad you guys liked it. I was not sure if ya would with the Lo/Ro stuff and all, so thanks again. 

Nikki: Yes I wrote some other stories and they're all on this site. I'm currently working on a few others but I think it will take a while before they're up too. 

Heather: Thanks for your compliment! I'm glad you like it and I hope you will like this part too, please let me know what you think.

Note : ****** = Change of time or place 

            …….=Telepathic speech

            _Italics   _ = Thoughts

            ~……~ = Dreams

            *……* = Emphasis

"Hey, Gumbo! Wake up!" Jubilee's high pitched voice shook Remy from his peaceful sleep. He groaned, turned around and pulled the covers over his head. 

"Come on, Cajun!" 

"Mmmgoaway… " Jubilee shook him merciless.

"Alright, alright…" He mumbled something in French and rubbed his eyes. By the time he opened them Jubilee was already back at the table with Ororo and Logan. He waited a while before getting up, just watching them from his bed. Logan looked fit as ever, while Ororo looked a little bit tired and Jubilee was bouncing with energy already. _How does she do that, anyways?_ He looked closer. Something was going on between Logan and Ororo, the way they looked at each other. He didn't pay much attention to it and rolled over again. He was reluctant to leave the warm cocoon of blankets that were around him, but the need to go to the toilet and the empty feeling in his stomach decided for him that he had to get out of bed. Yawning he stretched and slowly got out of bed. The cold air hit him and immediately he regretted his decision. 

"Merde! Tell Gambit again why we had to go here?" He heard Logan chuckle and he cursed. Stumbling sleepily to the small bathroom he glared at him. After emptying his bladder  and washing himself he quickly got dressed and joined the others at breakfast. Well, they had already finished long ago and were now discussing their plans for today. He grabbed a sandwich and listened silently.

"Maybe we should go and look for that strange tree you saw in your dream, Logan. You said it was close to the Weapon X facility, didn't you?"

"Yeah. I don't know how close, but it shouldn't be too far away from here."

"I think we better split up and search for it."

"Sounds like a plan to me darlin'."

"Uh guys? Ya wanna find a tree? Here? We're in the middle of a wood! Ya know wood, thousands of trees?"

"Yes that's true Jubilee, but we're looking for a tree that's very rare in this area. [A/N: Like I said. I have no idea if that's true, but it is in this story] Logan maybe you should draw it for Jubilee and Gambit." She handed Logan some paper and a pencil and he drew the tree he saw in his nightmare. 

"Dude, ya really should work on yer artists skills, that's definitely *not* a tree. In case ya never noticed trees are straight and tall and, uh, well not like that." 

Ignoring Jubilee Logan handed them the drawings. "It's a willow, it's not straight and tall, in fact it's small and curved." He looked smugly at Jubilee who glared playfully back.

Ororo placed a device on the table and pushed a few buttons, soon there was a 3D-map of the area just above the device. "This is the area surrounding the facility, we will search in a circle of approximately 1500 meters." The map showed a large red circle. "Logan and Jubilee will search this area" A part of the circle turned yellow." Remy and I will search this part." The other half of the circle turned blue. "You all take your GPS and a lunch with you and we return to the jet at 17.00, even if we don't find anything." She gave Logan a stern look.  "When you find something, contact the other group and give the coordinates of your location. Is everything clear?"

Jubilee saluted and Logan and Remy nodded. Once Remy finished breakfast and they all put on their boots and thick coats they went outside. Before they split up, Ororo flashed Logan a reassuring smile. He returned it and walked into the woods with Jubilee.

Remy noticed the exchange and smiled too. _Hmm, I knew something was going on between them this morning, seems like I was right. _When Ororo noticed this she gave him a curious look. "What's the matter, Remy?" 

"Nothin' chere." And they continued walking. After a while Ororo broke the silence. 

"I hope we'll find something, I don't think he can handle another disappointment."

"The Wolverine is though, chere. But y'r right. After what happened yesterday…Remy jus' don' know." 

"I never realized it hurt him that bad. Of course I knew, but it wasn't after his outburst that I *really* knew."

"Oui, I feel that too. He hurts a lot more than he shows on th' outside. Maybe dat's his biggest weakness; not lettin' other people in."

"Not unlike you, brother."

"Maybe…but to Remy it's a choice to Logan it's maybe not."

"What do you mean?"

"I think he wants t' open up, but he can't. Something inside him doesn't allow him to."

"Yes, I think your right. It seems so difficult for him to connect with other people, but he always tries."

"Well, whatever dis is, Remy hopes it's not a wild goose chase."

"Yes, I too hope this will help him."

*****

"Wolvie? Can we please sit down for a while? My feet are killin' me!"

"Just a few more minutes Jube"

"But ya said that ten minutes ago too!"

*sigh* "Al right, lets sit down fer a while."

"Great!" Jubilee flopped down on a fallen tree. She grabbed a sandwich from her backpack and asked Logan between bites: "So, what with this tree anyway? I mean, it's only a tree ya know." 

"Yeah, but I had these weird dreams and every time I saw that tree I felt it was important somehow… Could mean nothing, but ya always can try."

"Why a tree? Why not, I don't know, a building or something?"

"Like I said darlin' I have no flamin' idea." They sat in silence for a few minutes until Logan heard Jubilee's quiet voice. "It wasn't your fault."

"What?"

"Yesterday. Ya told us… It wasn't your fault." He sighed, not knowing how to react to that. 

"Look Jubes, I… It happened and there's nothing I can do about it, so lets forget it, okay."

"But, Wolvie…

"Shh…Let it go."

Before he could react she hugged him fiercely. A warm feeling of love and gratefulness spread through him. He smiled and tried to wiggle free from her grip.

"Hey, kid…Like ta breath ya know…" She let him go and smiled.

"Last one at that rock gotta listen to fearless a whole day!" With that she darted away from him.

"Ahh no! That's cruel!" And he ran after her. 

*******

"What time is it Stormy?"

"It's…16.30."

"Time t' head back, non?"

"Yes, tomorrow we'll start again at these coordinates."

"Seems like th' others got no luck either."

"No I don't think so either, they would've contact us."

"Let's go."

*******

"Wolvie? It's 16.45 don't ya think we should go back to the jet?"

"Just a few more minutes, I got a feeling we're close."

"Ya do?"

"Yeah, something about this place seems familiar, can't really tell why." 

"Oh, okay. It's just that is getting a bit cold ya know."

"I know, we head back soon, I just wanna look around here for a few seconds. Why don't you stay here, I'll be right back."

"Okay, just don't stay away too long."

"I won't."

He disappeared in the dark woods surrounding her and she waited for him to come back. After ten minutes she ran out of patience and went after him to figure out what took him so long. Searching through the vast woods she called out for him.

"Wolvie?…Come on answer me yer not funny…."

Her heart rate sped up a bit. Worried about her best friend she ran a little bit harder. She finally found him in a large clearing standing completely still. In the middle of the clearing stood a strange tree. 

So?? Please review!


	17. Part 17

Title: Broken 

Disclaimer: The X-men are not mine… 

Review:  Please! 

Note: I'm Dutch so my grammar probably sucks…

Note 2: ****** = Change of time or place 

            …….=Telepathic speech

            _Italics   _ = Thoughts

            ~……~ = Dreams

            *……* = Emphasis

I am very sorry for the VERY long wait. I'm having a bit of writer's block on this one….

Thanks to B Oots for reminding me this story still exists! I hope you'll enjoy this chapter.

This chapter is dedicated to Mick, for he and Star both supported me to write and helped me with developing this story.

Jubilee cautiously approached her best friend, ready to attack whatever threatened him. Seeing nothing she finally looked at his face. He was staring straight at the tree, seemingly lost in thoughts.

"Wolvie?"

He still didn't respond to her and instead he touched the tree tentatively. Feeling the texture of its bark through the thick material of his glove. "This is it Jubes… This is the place I saw in my dreams."

Jubilee looked around, there was nothing to be seen at this place. Nothing out of the ordinary, well except the tree of course. No signs of anything that could've possibly happened here. 

"Maybe I should contact Gumbo and Storm." When she got no response she retrieved her com-unit from her backpack and contacted the others. Ignoring the static noise the thing made she told them their coordinates and put it back.

"They're close, they'll be here soon."

Logan searched the clearing for any clue he might find. Jubilee did the same although she didn't know what to look for exactly. A few minutes later Ororo and Remy came in to view.

"Logan? Jubilee? What's going on…" Ororo looked around. "Oh, I see, you found the place."

Jubilee looked at them relieved. She walked towards them.

"Yeah, the only thing he said was that it was the place in his dreams and now he's searching for god knows what… He doesn't wanna talk to me."

"Mmmm…I don't see anything out of the ordinary… Remy?"

"Remy sees nothing either. Better ask the Wolverine, non?"

"I already tried, but he keeps just looking around, searching."

Ororo walked to him and touched his shoulder gently.

"Logan?"

"There has to be something, 'Ro."

"Something like what?"

"I don't know…This can't be it, there has to be more."

"Why don't we head back and search tomorrow? It's starting to get dark." 

"NO! I'm close 'Ro! I feel it…. There has to be something."

Ororo sighed. "I understand that this is important for you Logan, but we can't find anything in the dark. Besides that it's getting cold to. Why don't you get some rest and maybe you see it tomorrow from a different perspective."

He walked back to the tree and touched the bark once more. He thought about it and Ororo could see the inner battle. On one hand he was so close and on the other hand he wanted to take care of his friends. 

He balled his hands in a angry fist and he hit the tree out of frustration. Feeling still the same he gave it also a hard kick. 

That's when he heard it… He listened carefully and kicked it again. The others looked at him in wonder. There! He heard it again! The distinct sound of metal against metal. Dropping on his knees he started wiping away snow frantically. 

"Logan? Logan? What going on?"

Getting no answer they watched expectantly as his hands cleared away more and more snow and revealed something of metal.

Once all the snow on top of the object was gone Logan touched it carefully. It seemed to be some sort of box. There had been something carved into it, but it was too rusty to read. Lifting it slowly out of the snow he looked it around. It felt strangely familiar. A memory hit him, he dropped the box on the ground and squeezed his eyes shut. 

~He was walking in the woods frantically trying to find a place to hide the box. _I have to make sure it is safe! Where?_ He heard people surrounding him, dogs barking. He smelled gunpowder and sweat. _Shit! Where?_ He stumbled upon a clearing with in the middle a strange looking tree. _That's it! The tree!_ He placed the box at the bottom of the tree and covered it with some snow, knowing that the tree would prevent it from being buried too deep so he wouldn't be able to find it anymore. He ran into the woods, heard a gunshot and felt a burning pain in his chest. He heard someone yell, but never had the chance to realize it was him before everything went black.~

He opened his eyes again and clutched the box to his chest. He looked around and backed slowly away from his three friends. . . 

"Mon ami? What is it? Are you okay?"

"Re-Remy? I don't know? What's going on? I remembered…"

"What did you remember Logan? Did it have something to do with that?" Ororo pointed at the box in his hands. 

"I-I was hiding it from someone…they wanted to hurt me…" He once more touched it tentatively and his fingers rested on the small lock on the front. 

"What are ya waiting for Wolvie… open it up."

He looked at his friends searching for their support. When he found it in their eyes he slowly tried to open the lock. The rusty thing didn't cooperate and he put some more force behind it. Hearing a clicking sound he took a deep breath and slowly lifted the lid. A familiar smell greeted him, it smelled like him! A rush of excitement ran through him, this was it! This was the key to his past. He opened it further and some papers were revealed he picked them up and found that a thick file was underneath them. It was yellow and it said 'Wolverine 121086'  he grabbed his dogtags from underneath his coat and compared the number, it was exactly the same. He opened the file and found three disks and several x-ray pictures. There was much more, but it was getting too dark to read. He looked up at his friends. "I need light!" He barked. Jubilee started frantically searching for her pocket light but Ororo stopped her.  

"Logan, listen to me! We have to get back to the jet. There is light and you will be able  to look through everything. We can not stay here all night. " She kneeled down next to him. "Logan, please. Let's go."

He looked from her to the box in his hands and back again. Reluctantly he closed it again and stood up. "Okay, let's go back."

I'd love to hear what you think of it!


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